It’s been 6 days since I lost my husband to pancreatic cancer. Six days of endless loops of memories and decisions. How do you start over after spending 50 years with the same person? Fifty years is a lifetime. A lot of people don’t even live that long, let alone spend it with just one person. I haven’t been free of responsibilities and sharing with another person in over 50 years. How do I start over, start a new life?
I find myself stopping when making plans, to consider what my husband is doing. But he’s not there any longer. The last 9 months I have been in a kind of stasis, living only for him and his illness. The last couple weeks were spent in 3-4 hour intervals of needing to check on him, give him his meds so he was comfortable. Making sure he was still breathing. Now it’s just me. I have not lived this alone for over 50 years. How do I do it?
My real name means “warrior maid”. I have always tried to choose my battles by determining if I could win them, or at least come out of it somewhat unscathed. But this battle I didn’t choose. It chose me. Now I have to determine how I will win it. I have spent the last few days remembering the life that is now gone. The grieving process began 9 months ago after we got the diagnosis. It’s been a slow and painful process at times. We discussed a few times the things I would do going forward but the reality is more harsh. Only I can make the decisions now. I don’t have him to help me weigh the consequences or figure out the next move. It’s just me.
Just me. Those words echo through my brain again and again. I don’t know what just me feels like. Yes, I have family and friends around me that love me and support me. But it’s not the same as your partner being there. The connection isn’t the same. They can hug you and squeeze your hand, but it’s not the same as a person you share so much history, love and passion with. It can never be the same. My husband told me that I would find someone else after he was gone and I told him no. How can I find someone else that will compare to him? No one will ever be able to share the history, the emotions and events that shaped our years together. I don’t want to “find” someone else. No one could ever live up to what we had and it would be a disservice to them to even try. Besides I have never “needed” there to be someone else in my life. I loved him because I wanted to.
Despite the hardships we faced, and there were many, I loved him. He was not an easy person, not at all. There were many things I didn’t do over the years because I always weighed out the consequences of how it would affect him. What his likes and dislikes were. Not because of his temper or not wanting to hurt his feelings. He was always angry so what I did had little effect on that. He didn’t like being around people much so I attended many things alone. It was my choice to go or not go, it was my choice to consider him without fail. Because I loved him. Because we had a life together. I was my own person and will continue to be. But he meant the world to me. Since he has been gone, I have come to realize the weight of my decisions all those years. The things I missed out on, the things I didn’t do. But I would do it all again to have him in my life.
Loss is hard. So many things we don’t realize until it’s gone. And we can never get it back. The pain is real but it helps me to focus on what I need to do going forth. These past few days have all been about transition, rebirth and a future I never anticipated. I never saw the end coming until I was forced to. Now as I face a new future, I wonder what it will be. How do you go on after 50 years with someone always there? I don’t know yet, but I’m going to find out. To the journey ahead.
Be well my friends.
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