fembaker

I am nearing 70 years of living. I have been and done a lot of things in those years. Some I am proud of and some not as much. But all of my experiences have made me who I am, so I embrace it all, good or bad. I am not always a happy person but I have been working on it more and more. These days I am focusing more and more on memories and what my life is full of now.

My husband of 50 years was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in December. Both of his parents died from cancer and so it was not a shock that he now has cancer. Just not this one. Pancreatic cancer is the most insidious cancer, in that it is almost always fatal within 6 months to a year. We are at the 6 month mark now. In the last 6 months, I have watched as my husband is slowly fading away. He has lost a lot of weight since his diagnosis. He started at 225 lbs. and now hovers around 185.

We went to the gym and worked out about 3 times a week before he got sick. He quickly was unable to go any more once his illness hit. The muscles he had so proudly been working on, quickly went away. His strength has gone downhill as fast as his weight has. There are days when he can barely get out of bed. Some days he cannot eat, because the taste and texture of some foods are all wrong. Then the fact that he isn’t eating has shrunk his stomach to the point he cannot eat much. The only thing that appeals to him sometimes is just sweets, which isn’t good since he is a diabetic.

I spend my days worried that at any time I might find him gone. Every time he sends me an urgent “help”, I fear it may be the last time. I know what’s coming. I have dealt with death many times. I have lost many people in my life. But it never gets any easier. Every day I deal with the grief a bit at a time. There are days that I am fine, when I ignore what the future will bring. Then there are days when every little thing makes me want to cry. Sometimes tears fall, unbidden and unknown. Anything and everything can make it happen. Memories. A remark that reminds me of something we have done. Or something heard that is a premonition of the future. It’s uncontrollable. But a process that will hopefully make it easier to deal with when the time actually comes.

I have sweet memories of times we spent together. But it’s not all rosy. I remember the good and the bad. Because all of those things make up the 50 years we have spent together. The fights, the anger, the hurt feelings. The unforgettable moments of connection, of love, of tender times shared. All of it. The little gifts he has given me over the years, most of them not for any special reason. We may not celebrate all the anniversaries or birthdays, but we share tender times in between and that’s what matters more. If you only remember to do something special on the recognized days, you miss out on all the other days and what they mean. As I get older I realize more and more just how precious all the other days are. Going in to an uncertain future I hope the journey is not too painful.

Be well my friends.